The Great Wall

What the hell happened here NO Release date: December 6, 2016Director: Zhang Yimou Language: English, Mandarin Who should watch this movie: People who watch bad movies for fun. When should you watch this movie: When you need some background noise in your empty apartment. After watching Velocipastor and before watching Trolls 2.  The sell: YouContinue reading “The Great Wall”

Now You See Me

If only magicians were this hot in real life NO Release date: May 21, 2013Director: Louis Leterrier Language: English Who should watch this movie: Folks who had a magic phase. Folks still in their magic phase. When should you watch this movie: When you’ve just seen Social Network and are desperate (truly desperate) to seeContinue reading “Now You See Me”

Practical Magic

When I say I’m “emotionally unavailable” I mean that my heart is dedicated entirely to Sandra Bullock in this movie Maybe Release date: October 16, 1998Director: Griffin DunneLanguage: English Who should watch this movie: Folks who just discovered Witchtok. People whose favorite holiday is Halloween.  When should you watch this movie: On a crisp autumnContinue reading “Practical Magic”

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

J. K. Rowling can smd MAYBE Release date: November 18, 2016Director: David YatesLanguage: English Who should watch this movie: Adult potterheads on a nostalgia trip. Fans of Eddie Redmayne.  When should you watch this movie: When you’re prepared to compartmentalize your hatred (born of betrayal) for JK Rowling (and if this is never, I totallyContinue reading “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”

The Last Airbender

BAD BAD BAD NO Release date: July 1, 2010Director: M. Night ShyamalanLanguage: English Who should watch this movie: People who just finished the animated series and want to see why everyone hates the movie adaptation When should you watch this movie: When you are part of the team making a new and better version ofContinue reading “The Last Airbender”

Paheli

Ghost sex (but not the ghost sex that you’re thinking of) MAYBE Release date: June 24, 2005Director: Amol PalekarLanguage: Hindi Who should watch this movie: Fans of Rani Mukerji. People who are fans of Rani Mukerji but just don’t know it yet. Anyone in an unhappy marriage.  When should you watch this movie: When you’reContinue reading “Paheli”

Howl’s Moving Castle / ハウルの動く城

The dubbed version isn’t even that bad YES Release date: November 20, 2004Director: Hayao MiyazakiLanguage: Japanese Who should watch this movie: People who “aren’t into anime”  When should you watch this movie: At the start of a new relationship. When the world around you seems to be in chaos.  The sell: Miyazaki’s Howl’s Moving CastleContinue reading “Howl’s Moving Castle / ハウルの動く城”

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The bad one NO Release date: July 15, 2005Director: Tim BurtonLanguage: English Who should watch this movie: People still obsessed with being “Edgy”  When should you watch this movie: When you just ate something poisonous and need to throw up The sell: Sorry to everyone who for some reason is still a Johnny Depp fan.Continue reading “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”

Wonder Woman

We deserved better MAYBE Release date: June 2, 2017Director: Patty JenkinsLanguage: English Who should watch this movie: Fans of Princess Bride.  When should you watch this movie: When you’ve just watched Red Sparrow and need to recover.  The sell: One of the biggest threats facing women in public is having to talk to men (period)Continue reading “Wonder Woman”

Only Lovers Left Alive

RIP Anton Yelchin YES Release date: December 25, 2013Director: Jim JarmuschLanguage: English Who should watch this movie: Fans of “What we do in the shadows.” Folks who are hot for Tom Hiddleston.  When should you watch this movie: When you’re beginning to feel jaded. When you turn 24 and think, damn I have to doContinue reading “Only Lovers Left Alive”